I am 29 and I am 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my "miracle" baby. I call the baby a miracle because I had thyroid cancer as a teen and I was always so sure deep down inside I would never have a baby. It took us 2 years of sometimes trying and never not trying, if you know what I mean, before this baby came along. And here he/she is!
I met my soul mate 4 years ago at a treatment center I was managing. Unfortunately he was a 17 year old client and I was the 25 year old manager. I fought my feelings to stay professional, also believing he couldn't possibly be feeling what I was and knowing it was wrong. I did my best to avoid him until he eventually left on his own. We met up a few months later, AFTER his 18th birthday I want to clarify, and the feelings were very much mutual.
We started off trying to have a friendship of sorts and after the third time of seeing each other he kissed me in my car when I was dropping him off. The tension and electricity between us was so strong I thought the whole car would explode with months and months of pent up passion. I explained to him how this could never be and how we couldn't possibly ever be a couple and he said he understood. We've been together ever since and I quit my job a few days later after working there for 5 years. It was the best and worst decision of my life.
And back to present day...
After years of being in and out of jail, treatment centers, detox, rehab, methadone clinic, therapists, psychiatrists, probation officers, emergency rooms and whatever else I have mentally blocked out at this point he is still my soul mate and I am loosing him more and more every single day. I am loosing hope that he will ever be ok again. A few weeks ago, after he found out I was pregnant he started acting crazy and I physically pushed him out of the house in the middle of the night, out of fear. Then I locked the door. Something I have never done before. He kicked the door for over 30 minutes trying to get back in and I begged him from the other side to walk the 1/2 mile down our street to the hospital and he just wouldn't go. Usually in a situation like this I would wrestle him into the car and drag him there myself but this time I was too scared and he wasn't calming down so I broke down and called 911. Big mistake. Instead of bringing him to the hospital for help they arrested him, beat him up and hauled him off to court to slap charges on him. Its been a total nightmare since then.
So that's where I am at now. And I am not writing this all to complain and I am certainly not looking for sympathy. I am looking for an outlet and wondering if someone, anyone out there can understand my situation. Maybe I'm not alone in loving a man who is mentally ill. My friends and family all have advice and it goes something like this, "You deserve better then this. You need to forget about him and move on with your life. He will never get better because he doesn't want help...." I would probably say the same things to someone if roles were reversed so I get it. They don't get it and I don't agree with them. I feel totally alone in this and compelled to not share my truth with most people for fear of hearing the same unwanted advice over and over again coupled with attempts to control me and my decision making process.
I am not sure what I am going to do or decide but I will figure it out for myself. With a baby on the way I don't have any other choice now do I? So feel free to join me on my journey. Maybe I am not totally alone after all!
