I'm about ready to give up. He is coming home soon so I should be happy right? Well I am not. Last night I dared speak up about some of the fears I have been having about our future together. Fears of history repeating itself looking for reassurance. I should have known better. I am not allowed to have feeling or think about me. Its always him all the time. He made some sort of effort to reassure me last night as I sat in front of him crying and he would have had to be in monster mode not to. Then after I left he must have sat around last night and today brewing and stewing at the nerve of me to have feelings and speak up about things hes done that have made me sad. Ways he has betrayed me. How fucking dare I. And boy did I get it today. Told what a piece of trash I am. How everything is entirely my fault. No gratitude, no appreciation, no compassion. And I should really be used to it by now but I'm simply a fool. I allow myself to be tricked into thinking change is possible when this is inevitable.
I'm a person who cares deeply about everything and I am pushed to my point of feeling pangs of nothingness. I fantasize about slowly fading away until it as if I never existed. Or vanishing entirely all at once in an instant.The only proof that I ever existed being my possessions I have left behind and this blog that nobody knows I have. If only.
