I'm about ready to give up. He is coming home soon so I should be happy right? Well I am not. Last night I dared speak up about some of the fears I have been having about our future together. Fears of history repeating itself looking for reassurance. I should have known better. I am not allowed to have feeling or think about me. Its always him all the time. He made some sort of effort to reassure me last night as I sat in front of him crying and he would have had to be in monster mode not to. Then after I left he must have sat around last night and today brewing and stewing at the nerve of me to have feelings and speak up about things hes done that have made me sad. Ways he has betrayed me. How fucking dare I. And boy did I get it today. Told what a piece of trash I am. How everything is entirely my fault. No gratitude, no appreciation, no compassion. And I should really be used to it by now but I'm simply a fool. I allow myself to be tricked into thinking change is possible when this is inevitable.
I'm a person who cares deeply about everything and I am pushed to my point of feeling pangs of nothingness. I fantasize about slowly fading away until it as if I never existed. Or vanishing entirely all at once in an instant.The only proof that I ever existed being my possessions I have left behind and this blog that nobody knows I have. If only.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Friday, July 31, 2015
Can things actually work out?
I've been lost in a dark place for quite some time. Sometimes I stay stuck in the dark place out of fear to move and fear of what I will see when the light finally comes back on.
Now I'd say its neither dark nor light. Some sort of middle dusky place. My situation has improved in a way. A judge took pity on the situation and instead of 18 months, cut down to 12 months at the cost of $5000 for a lawyer was again cut down to six months. Its almost a miracle really. These things rarely happen. He had already signed the plea for a year and the judge felt given the situation and the baby 12 months was too much. So he should be here with me with me for the birth of the baby. I don't think this has soaked in yet. I am still feeling guarded. Also plagued by fears of "well what happens when he actually does get out." He has no where to live so there are few options. I could move out and get a place together and piss off my entire family risking him being crazy again and being stuck right back in the same situation only with a baby, not to mention after paying for the lawyer I am dead broke and have no money for an apartment. Oh and maternity leave gives me 60% of my pay so there's that. He could go to a sober house but that'll cost me like $600 a month anyway and who knows who he will end up living with. Or he could move in with his "boy" who hes in there with... I think we all know how that would probably go. I was planning on using my tax money to get us all set up but since he is coming home way sooner we wont have that money for a while. I guess Ill figure it out one way or another. Time always tells doesn't it? In the mean time I am just sitting here waiting for life to start up again.
Now I'd say its neither dark nor light. Some sort of middle dusky place. My situation has improved in a way. A judge took pity on the situation and instead of 18 months, cut down to 12 months at the cost of $5000 for a lawyer was again cut down to six months. Its almost a miracle really. These things rarely happen. He had already signed the plea for a year and the judge felt given the situation and the baby 12 months was too much. So he should be here with me with me for the birth of the baby. I don't think this has soaked in yet. I am still feeling guarded. Also plagued by fears of "well what happens when he actually does get out." He has no where to live so there are few options. I could move out and get a place together and piss off my entire family risking him being crazy again and being stuck right back in the same situation only with a baby, not to mention after paying for the lawyer I am dead broke and have no money for an apartment. Oh and maternity leave gives me 60% of my pay so there's that. He could go to a sober house but that'll cost me like $600 a month anyway and who knows who he will end up living with. Or he could move in with his "boy" who hes in there with... I think we all know how that would probably go. I was planning on using my tax money to get us all set up but since he is coming home way sooner we wont have that money for a while. I guess Ill figure it out one way or another. Time always tells doesn't it? In the mean time I am just sitting here waiting for life to start up again.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Just Breathe
I haven't been writing because I just cant do it. I went to see him tonight and he would hardly look at me or speak to me. There is so much pent up inside of me that if I let anything loose it is all going to come pouring out and I can not handle that at all right now. I just cant, I don't have that luxury. I have to work and hold everything together and if all this comes flooding out right now there will be no doing anything. I will drown in the flood. So for now there's this, saying what I don't have words for:
2 am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 am and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe,
2 am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 am and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe,
Thursday, July 16, 2015
I am so aggravated right now. I use this website online sometimes to fill out surveys or do little tasks to earn a little extra cash. Well I just took a 20 minute survey for $1.50. Just finished and at the end I clicked the wrong button by accident and boom lost it. I swear to God they set it up like that on purpose. I am so annoyed, why do I even bother? I am so stressed out about money. So many things to pay in a short time. Preaching to the choir right? It's so frustrating being in a relationship but getting absolutely no help. I have always made decent money but ever since he came into my life I have been dead broke. No matter how much money I can seem to earn he always spends it faster then I can do anything with it. It is so unfair and I am getting really sick of it. He cant work because he cant hold down a job. Mentally he's too ill. So that leaves everything on me. Last summer he had a little job making a little money but it was good. Do you think I saw a fucking dime of that money? No, never. Did I get a thank you gift for supporting us and getting everything he has wanted or needed. No. Spent every dime on himself and going out getting fucked up all summer. God I am so sick of it. Funny how this website pissed me off and it turns to him right? Well maybe if I wasn't sitting online after working all day taking stupid surveys for pennies Id be in a better mood. And maybe if he stopped spending my fucking money I wouldn't have to do that. Crazy right?! I have needed a filling in my tooth for over a month and haven't been able to get it because of paying the lawyer and sending him money all the time. He drained me for $300 this week alone. So over it. Could have had my tooth fixed for half that price. I legit come from a middle class family. Decent house, pool the whole bit and I am going to end up missing a fucking tooth because he is too selfish to let me get it fixed and I am too fucking stupid to put my foot down for once. I am so sick of this shit but yet I am just as bad because I don't change either. I get so mad at him for not changing, yet I don't change. Go figure. We have a visit tonight and I can see in my crystal ball a fight brewing already. Maybe I should save myself the aggravation (and the gas $) and not go. That would be a change so I think we know that's not going to happen. Anyone out there wanna know my real name? Apparently it's door mat, nice to meet you.
Hello? Is it me you're looking for?
Are people actually reading this? I have a bunch of page views from yesterday. It was funny because my first reaction was to think OMG somebody I know is on to me. Someone I know somehow stumbled upon this and knows its me. I really don't think that happened. Ya know why? Because I don't actually tell any of the people I "know" any of this stuff. My best friend could read this and wouldn't have the slightest clue that I wrote it. Kinda sad actually. I just don't feel comfortable with anyone. Everyone gossips, repeats things that should be private and judge judge judges! I'm sure I do to but I really don't like when people do it to me I guess. I'm insecure which I guess makes it funny that I would choose to expose my inner thoughts and secrets to a bunch of strangers instead. But I guess since I am fairly "anonymous" that my secrets can never threaten my fake societal self.
After a while all the lies get old. I lie a lot to the people around me. It's almost like I cant stop myself. Usually I lie for him, or to feel accepted and sometimes I lie for no reason at all. I suspect that many people do the same thing but would rarely admit it because from what I've seen people hate to be called a liar. Maybe it exposes their biggest secret. That we are all liars. When I was a kid I used to lie and say I had an older brother which I don't. I also lied at school once and said I had a puppy which I have never had. I said it because another kid in my class had just gotten a puppy and I was jealous. I was found out because someone told my mom, "Congrats on the new puppy." Funny thing is I don't even like dogs, like at all.
I've seen this silly saying here and there on social media but now I am laughing to myself thinking, maybe there is something to this. Ironic.
I should do some work.....
After a while all the lies get old. I lie a lot to the people around me. It's almost like I cant stop myself. Usually I lie for him, or to feel accepted and sometimes I lie for no reason at all. I suspect that many people do the same thing but would rarely admit it because from what I've seen people hate to be called a liar. Maybe it exposes their biggest secret. That we are all liars. When I was a kid I used to lie and say I had an older brother which I don't. I also lied at school once and said I had a puppy which I have never had. I said it because another kid in my class had just gotten a puppy and I was jealous. I was found out because someone told my mom, "Congrats on the new puppy." Funny thing is I don't even like dogs, like at all.
I've seen this silly saying here and there on social media but now I am laughing to myself thinking, maybe there is something to this. Ironic.
I should do some work.....
Monday, July 13, 2015
Next Blog....
I have been playing around with the next blog button at the top of my screen all morning while I should have been working. I've come across some weird shit on here. Not really weird enough to be interesting though. Mostly pretty boring. I would love to find an interesting blog to read but I am new to this whole world and I am obviously a fish out of water. Maybe I need to just stick to my self in my own despair and restlessness.
Several times in my past I have kept a journal. The main problem I have had is that my hand gets tired from all the writing and cant keep up with my thoughts. That's what I like most about this. I can type pretty quickly so my fingers can almost keep up. Also with a paper diary they look so obviously diary like there is the fear of being found out. Since I am such an inappropriate snoop and would surely read someones diary if I were to stumble upon it I am probably extra concerned about this. Finding someones diary to me would be the ultimate jackpot. I guess that's probably what I was looking for today searching through the blogs. I want to know peoples secrets. To know if I am normal or not I guess. That's also what I like about here. I can be disgustingly honest without worrying about people I know finding out and maybe even get some feedback if people read it. To see if I am just swimming along like everyone else or if I have totally lost it.
I had an abortion once and lied to pretty much everyone about it. They think I had a miscarriage. I think about it a lot especially now being pregnant and even more so because this baby has the same due date and the same dad. He knows the truth. Really he was the one who pushed me into it. He's a lot younger then I am, have I mentioned that before? 7 years difference. He was barely 18 when I got pregnant and was in jail when I found out. It's probably both of our biggest regret. I wish it wasn't legal in this country so it wasn't even an option for people. When someone finds out they are pregnant there shouldn't even be that option of "Should I keep it?" If that option didn't exist I would have a 2 1/2 year old right now and who knows what our life would be like. Really though blaming the law for giving me the choice is my way of trying to relieve some of the blame from myself. He was 8 and scarred of course he didn't want it. I was the older one who should have put my foot down and known better. But that's pretty much how our whole relationship has been with everything which is why it has been all a total mess. You would think I would have learned after the loss of a life but clearly not. I am hopeful though that this is our second chance. A chance to make things right, a chance that maybe I didn't deserve but feel lucky to have, but I am definitely scared if you didn't pick up on that already.
How long can I sit here and avoid actually working? Probably a bit longer but really I shouldn't. Later in the week I will be scrambling to make up for this lost time that right now I am so carelessly pissing away. And if I was going to do personal things I have so many other more constructive things I should be dealing with but instead I am avoiding. I am a procrastinator to the extreme and I hate dealing with adult situations Even though resolving things would make me feel less anxious about life my anxiety about actually handling them in the first place. UGH. I hate being an adult.
And an email just came through from the private attorney we hired. This guy is really on top of things. This just made me very happy. We just formally signed the papers on Friday to hire him and hes already done more then the two public pretenders combined. Sweetness. Maybe there is some hope after all!
Several times in my past I have kept a journal. The main problem I have had is that my hand gets tired from all the writing and cant keep up with my thoughts. That's what I like most about this. I can type pretty quickly so my fingers can almost keep up. Also with a paper diary they look so obviously diary like there is the fear of being found out. Since I am such an inappropriate snoop and would surely read someones diary if I were to stumble upon it I am probably extra concerned about this. Finding someones diary to me would be the ultimate jackpot. I guess that's probably what I was looking for today searching through the blogs. I want to know peoples secrets. To know if I am normal or not I guess. That's also what I like about here. I can be disgustingly honest without worrying about people I know finding out and maybe even get some feedback if people read it. To see if I am just swimming along like everyone else or if I have totally lost it.
I had an abortion once and lied to pretty much everyone about it. They think I had a miscarriage. I think about it a lot especially now being pregnant and even more so because this baby has the same due date and the same dad. He knows the truth. Really he was the one who pushed me into it. He's a lot younger then I am, have I mentioned that before? 7 years difference. He was barely 18 when I got pregnant and was in jail when I found out. It's probably both of our biggest regret. I wish it wasn't legal in this country so it wasn't even an option for people. When someone finds out they are pregnant there shouldn't even be that option of "Should I keep it?" If that option didn't exist I would have a 2 1/2 year old right now and who knows what our life would be like. Really though blaming the law for giving me the choice is my way of trying to relieve some of the blame from myself. He was 8 and scarred of course he didn't want it. I was the older one who should have put my foot down and known better. But that's pretty much how our whole relationship has been with everything which is why it has been all a total mess. You would think I would have learned after the loss of a life but clearly not. I am hopeful though that this is our second chance. A chance to make things right, a chance that maybe I didn't deserve but feel lucky to have, but I am definitely scared if you didn't pick up on that already.
How long can I sit here and avoid actually working? Probably a bit longer but really I shouldn't. Later in the week I will be scrambling to make up for this lost time that right now I am so carelessly pissing away. And if I was going to do personal things I have so many other more constructive things I should be dealing with but instead I am avoiding. I am a procrastinator to the extreme and I hate dealing with adult situations Even though resolving things would make me feel less anxious about life my anxiety about actually handling them in the first place. UGH. I hate being an adult.
And an email just came through from the private attorney we hired. This guy is really on top of things. This just made me very happy. We just formally signed the papers on Friday to hire him and hes already done more then the two public pretenders combined. Sweetness. Maybe there is some hope after all!
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