I have been playing around with the next blog button at the top of my screen all morning while I should have been working. I've come across some weird shit on here. Not really weird enough to be interesting though. Mostly pretty boring. I would love to find an interesting blog to read but I am new to this whole world and I am obviously a fish out of water. Maybe I need to just stick to my self in my own despair and restlessness.
Several times in my past I have kept a journal. The main problem I have had is that my hand gets tired from all the writing and cant keep up with my thoughts. That's what I like most about this. I can type pretty quickly so my fingers can almost keep up. Also with a paper diary they look so obviously diary like there is the fear of being found out. Since I am such an inappropriate snoop and would surely read someones diary if I were to stumble upon it I am probably extra concerned about this. Finding someones diary to me would be the ultimate jackpot. I guess that's probably what I was looking for today searching through the blogs. I want to know peoples secrets. To know if I am normal or not I guess. That's also what I like about here. I can be disgustingly honest without worrying about people I know finding out and maybe even get some feedback if people read it. To see if I am just swimming along like everyone else or if I have totally lost it.
I had an abortion once and lied to pretty much everyone about it. They think I had a miscarriage. I think about it a lot especially now being pregnant and even more so because this baby has the same due date and the same dad. He knows the truth. Really he was the one who pushed me into it. He's a lot younger then I am, have I mentioned that before? 7 years difference. He was barely 18 when I got pregnant and was in jail when I found out. It's probably both of our biggest regret. I wish it wasn't legal in this country so it wasn't even an option for people. When someone finds out they are pregnant there shouldn't even be that option of "Should I keep it?" If that option didn't exist I would have a 2 1/2 year old right now and who knows what our life would be like. Really though blaming the law for giving me the choice is my way of trying to relieve some of the blame from myself. He was 8 and scarred of course he didn't want it. I was the older one who should have put my foot down and known better. But that's pretty much how our whole relationship has been with everything which is why it has been all a total mess. You would think I would have learned after the loss of a life but clearly not. I am hopeful though that this is our second chance. A chance to make things right, a chance that maybe I didn't deserve but feel lucky to have, but I am definitely scared if you didn't pick up on that already.
How long can I sit here and avoid actually working? Probably a bit longer but really I shouldn't. Later in the week I will be scrambling to make up for this lost time that right now I am so carelessly pissing away. And if I was going to do personal things I have so many other more constructive things I should be dealing with but instead I am avoiding. I am a procrastinator to the extreme and I hate dealing with adult situations Even though resolving things would make me feel less anxious about life my anxiety about actually handling them in the first place. UGH. I hate being an adult.
And an email just came through from the private attorney we hired. This guy is really on top of things. This just made me very happy. We just formally signed the papers on Friday to hire him and hes already done more then the two public pretenders combined. Sweetness. Maybe there is some hope after all!
No comments:
Post a Comment