Well I almost didn't keep my promise to return because I honestly forgot. Each day just blurs into the next and I walk around like a zombie drifting from task to task waiting for something.... BRAAAAINS?! (zombie reference in case you thought I was just calling myself stupid or something)
Today was lame just like all the others. I had a visit at the jail today, lovely as always. Show up 1 1/2 hours before the visit to get in line with the hoards of others. Some of the most ghetto people I have ever seen in my life all together in one small hot room waiting to see our "men". Don't get me wrong I meet some nice people too. Everyone's got a story and while your sitting there waiting people are dying to pass the time. Before you know it there's groups of women and girls in every nook and corner telling each other things they probably don't even tell their best friends because your in a jail visit room so really who's gonna judge you. Former and current drug addicts, baby mamas and working women all together in one room on one level playing field because we all love a man who just cant stay out of trouble. Whether hes your boyfriend, husband, baby daddy, son, cousin, brother or friend you must love the guy to go through this hassle of wasting a perfectly beautiful Sunday packed like sardines into a hot room for just 30 minutes of bliss... aka talking/yelling to each other through a dirty old ass phone through a piece of glass.
Sometimes it's not so bad. On weeks nights not as many people come and sometimes he's even in a good mood. Lord knows my whole day depends on it. We whisper sweet nothings or talk about how great life will be once he's home and were all a family, both knowing this is more of a wish than a fact. Well today was not one of those days. He was cranky from the heat and tense so we mostly just sat there looking away from one another waiting for the visit to be over. Me periodically saying things like "everything's going to be ok" or "just try to keep your mind busy by reading or something." I am such a wordsmith and inspiration in those moments. Couldn't be more cliche if I tried. Nothing could be worse then the time I went and after a few minutes of talking to me he just hung up and wouldn't pick the phone back up. I had to sit there for the remaining 20 minutes shifting between crying jags and glaring at him through the glass. He wouldn't even look at me but everyone else sure was. How embarrassing. Its not even like we were fighting he just didn't feel like talking. Lovely.
If there's anyone out there... do you know what it feels like to be a dog on a leash? I do. My leash is my phone. I stay glues to it waiting for the calls from him. We usually talk at night. He calls anytime between 7pm and 9pm, basically whenever he feels like it. Which for me means that from 7-9 every night I am to be posted in my room waiting for the phone to ring. Cant go anywhere or do anything because GOD FORBID he call me when I am out. Its so awkward. What am I supposed to to just walk away from my friends or family for 30 minutes and just ignore them to talk to him on the phone. Then also there's no privacy if he calls when your in the car with someone. 'like worst case scenario.
It happened a few weeks ago. I was bringing, of all people, his arch nemesis my father home from a cookout and he called. Oh the humanity!! Why me?! I had a split second decision answer or not. Now I never not answer so that would have spiraled into a mess of repeated calls and then a certainty on his end that I was either dead or having sex with someone else. So I answered and there must be a God because he was just calling to say he didn't feel much like talking that night and would call me tomorrow. And would you believe my luck that my father actually slept through the 2 minute convo? Jackpot, bullet dodged. Except this is how I live my life in a perpetual state of waiting and hoping. Some night he just doesn't feel like talking and doesn't call at all. By 9:45 if there been no call I pretty much know it's that, or that he is in trouble and cant or something. Any times outside of that though I am always on stand by. Every once in a while I get the out of the blue call usually with a question or in need of money. My parents have a pool in the back yard which I have yet to go in during this blazing hot summer. Why? Because God forbid the 1 in 60 chance he might call while I am in the pool and I might not get out fast enough to answer. I might just drop dead. And let me be clear this isn't necessarly from him. I impose these expectations on myself because I am terrified he will find out I was doing something like swimming or getting an ice cream with a neighbor and that might make him feel jealous or sad because he couldn't come. And that would R-U-I-N me I'd feel so guilty. So I simply don't risk it. Id rather miss out then risk upsetting my precious gem. What a martyr huh.
I think what it really boils down to is that I don't feel lovable. I constantly lay in wait of the day that he wakes up to realize that he wants nothing to do with me. That I am horrible and disgusting and definitely undeserving of a God like himself so I don't want to do anything to speed that along for any reason. Realistically most women or girls really would not put up with 25% of the shit that I do. All the shit he has put me through. But my God if you could see him, be around him for 10 minutes and see how he can make you feel like you didn't start living till that moment he strolled into your life then maybe you'd understand what I mean. Like if he walks away I will cease to exist. Even though some days I have wished with all my might he would just vanish into thin air. Not be with me anymore but not be with anyone else either. Just *poof* never existed. I want to be clear though I am not wishing him dead. NEVER that. It's confusing even to me.
I saw a quote on Facebook: "One day, whether you are 16, 28, or 67 you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that can not die. However the saddest most awful truth you will come to find... is that they're not always with whom we spend our lives." Just think about that. Damn. Sucks. I thought I had met that person once before him. An older woman. I was wrong though, she sucked. Always totally unavailable but knew just what to say to keep me on the hook. Turned out to be a real skank. Spell check wants me to correct skank to skunk and honestly I could get behind calling her that. From now on that's her name to me. And although she had this persona of being a really strong independent woman it was all a farce, shes really a coward. Not him though, hes my one. He doesn't know how not to be real. Feels everything X100 even when it would be better for him if he could turn it down a little.
Well it's almost 8 now so time for me to wait by the phone willing it to ring!
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