I'm still alive

Hello There World,

I haven't been on here in a while. Like 2 months basically, nothing since my first post. I am so tired about talking about the drama all the time. My whole life seems to revolve around it, around him. All my money, all my time, all my thoughts and all my love.

I spend my days crying and worrying and feeling guilty. Wondering each time I answer the phone if he will be angry or sad or manic or normal. Knowing that my day and mood depends on his because I am so intertwined and caught up in it all that I have no choice. I am in my own prison even though I am actually the one who's "free". Free to work 40+ hours a week, to worry about money and bills all on my own, to plan for a baby myself. I make pretty good money too but in a situation like this no amount of money is ever enough. $5.00 per phone call (1-2x a day), $5000 for a lawyer, $400 a month for Ramen noodles, tuna fish and oatmeal, doctors copays, car payment, $200 cell phone bill, you get the idea. In one hand out the other. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse but this is my reality. I found this website where you can sell your worn panties to creeps all over the world. I even signed up can you believe that? It seems so creepy but it's an easy way to make quick money except nobody bought mine and it's been over a week. I think they expect really slutty pictures first but I have my limits.

I found out last week that the baby's a girl and it scared the shit out of me. As a mother of a girl it's just... I don't know a scary thing. I am not the woman I want my daughter to grow up and be but she'll want to be like me right. Don't all little girls want to grow up to be their mother weather they like it or not? I've got to get my act together for this little girl and it scares the shit out of me because I just don't know if I can do it.

You know I don't really know how to blog and I guess I don't really care if anyone ever reads this. I don't read any blogs at all. I just need a place to vent I guess. Everyone in my life and yours too I am sure has an agenda ya know. Judging or comparing or gossip. I literally do not have one person that I trust entirely to tell everything to and I am not really up for hearing people opinions and bullshit anyway. I am doing the best I can and I don't know anyone in my life who has been through what I am going through so any of their advice is no better then what I can come up with on my own anyway. Id like to use this opportunity to be totally honest. No holds barred and no apologies. I think I deserve that. So if anybody out there stay tuned I guess. Even I haven't the slightest clue whats coming next.