I've been lost in a dark place for quite some time. Sometimes I stay stuck in the dark place out of fear to move and fear of what I will see when the light finally comes back on.
Now I'd say its neither dark nor light. Some sort of middle dusky place. My situation has improved in a way. A judge took pity on the situation and instead of 18 months, cut down to 12 months at the cost of $5000 for a lawyer was again cut down to six months. Its almost a miracle really. These things rarely happen. He had already signed the plea for a year and the judge felt given the situation and the baby 12 months was too much. So he should be here with me with me for the birth of the baby. I don't think this has soaked in yet. I am still feeling guarded. Also plagued by fears of "well what happens when he actually does get out." He has no where to live so there are few options. I could move out and get a place together and piss off my entire family risking him being crazy again and being stuck right back in the same situation only with a baby, not to mention after paying for the lawyer I am dead broke and have no money for an apartment. Oh and maternity leave gives me 60% of my pay so there's that. He could go to a sober house but that'll cost me like $600 a month anyway and who knows who he will end up living with. Or he could move in with his "boy" who hes in there with... I think we all know how that would probably go. I was planning on using my tax money to get us all set up but since he is coming home way sooner we wont have that money for a while. I guess Ill figure it out one way or another. Time always tells doesn't it? In the mean time I am just sitting here waiting for life to start up again.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
Just Breathe
I haven't been writing because I just cant do it. I went to see him tonight and he would hardly look at me or speak to me. There is so much pent up inside of me that if I let anything loose it is all going to come pouring out and I can not handle that at all right now. I just cant, I don't have that luxury. I have to work and hold everything together and if all this comes flooding out right now there will be no doing anything. I will drown in the flood. So for now there's this, saying what I don't have words for:
2 am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 am and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe,
2 am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 am and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe,
Thursday, July 16, 2015
I am so aggravated right now. I use this website online sometimes to fill out surveys or do little tasks to earn a little extra cash. Well I just took a 20 minute survey for $1.50. Just finished and at the end I clicked the wrong button by accident and boom lost it. I swear to God they set it up like that on purpose. I am so annoyed, why do I even bother? I am so stressed out about money. So many things to pay in a short time. Preaching to the choir right? It's so frustrating being in a relationship but getting absolutely no help. I have always made decent money but ever since he came into my life I have been dead broke. No matter how much money I can seem to earn he always spends it faster then I can do anything with it. It is so unfair and I am getting really sick of it. He cant work because he cant hold down a job. Mentally he's too ill. So that leaves everything on me. Last summer he had a little job making a little money but it was good. Do you think I saw a fucking dime of that money? No, never. Did I get a thank you gift for supporting us and getting everything he has wanted or needed. No. Spent every dime on himself and going out getting fucked up all summer. God I am so sick of it. Funny how this website pissed me off and it turns to him right? Well maybe if I wasn't sitting online after working all day taking stupid surveys for pennies Id be in a better mood. And maybe if he stopped spending my fucking money I wouldn't have to do that. Crazy right?! I have needed a filling in my tooth for over a month and haven't been able to get it because of paying the lawyer and sending him money all the time. He drained me for $300 this week alone. So over it. Could have had my tooth fixed for half that price. I legit come from a middle class family. Decent house, pool the whole bit and I am going to end up missing a fucking tooth because he is too selfish to let me get it fixed and I am too fucking stupid to put my foot down for once. I am so sick of this shit but yet I am just as bad because I don't change either. I get so mad at him for not changing, yet I don't change. Go figure. We have a visit tonight and I can see in my crystal ball a fight brewing already. Maybe I should save myself the aggravation (and the gas $) and not go. That would be a change so I think we know that's not going to happen. Anyone out there wanna know my real name? Apparently it's door mat, nice to meet you.
Hello? Is it me you're looking for?
Are people actually reading this? I have a bunch of page views from yesterday. It was funny because my first reaction was to think OMG somebody I know is on to me. Someone I know somehow stumbled upon this and knows its me. I really don't think that happened. Ya know why? Because I don't actually tell any of the people I "know" any of this stuff. My best friend could read this and wouldn't have the slightest clue that I wrote it. Kinda sad actually. I just don't feel comfortable with anyone. Everyone gossips, repeats things that should be private and judge judge judges! I'm sure I do to but I really don't like when people do it to me I guess. I'm insecure which I guess makes it funny that I would choose to expose my inner thoughts and secrets to a bunch of strangers instead. But I guess since I am fairly "anonymous" that my secrets can never threaten my fake societal self.
After a while all the lies get old. I lie a lot to the people around me. It's almost like I cant stop myself. Usually I lie for him, or to feel accepted and sometimes I lie for no reason at all. I suspect that many people do the same thing but would rarely admit it because from what I've seen people hate to be called a liar. Maybe it exposes their biggest secret. That we are all liars. When I was a kid I used to lie and say I had an older brother which I don't. I also lied at school once and said I had a puppy which I have never had. I said it because another kid in my class had just gotten a puppy and I was jealous. I was found out because someone told my mom, "Congrats on the new puppy." Funny thing is I don't even like dogs, like at all.
I've seen this silly saying here and there on social media but now I am laughing to myself thinking, maybe there is something to this. Ironic.
I should do some work.....
After a while all the lies get old. I lie a lot to the people around me. It's almost like I cant stop myself. Usually I lie for him, or to feel accepted and sometimes I lie for no reason at all. I suspect that many people do the same thing but would rarely admit it because from what I've seen people hate to be called a liar. Maybe it exposes their biggest secret. That we are all liars. When I was a kid I used to lie and say I had an older brother which I don't. I also lied at school once and said I had a puppy which I have never had. I said it because another kid in my class had just gotten a puppy and I was jealous. I was found out because someone told my mom, "Congrats on the new puppy." Funny thing is I don't even like dogs, like at all.
I've seen this silly saying here and there on social media but now I am laughing to myself thinking, maybe there is something to this. Ironic.
I should do some work.....
Monday, July 13, 2015
Next Blog....
I have been playing around with the next blog button at the top of my screen all morning while I should have been working. I've come across some weird shit on here. Not really weird enough to be interesting though. Mostly pretty boring. I would love to find an interesting blog to read but I am new to this whole world and I am obviously a fish out of water. Maybe I need to just stick to my self in my own despair and restlessness.
Several times in my past I have kept a journal. The main problem I have had is that my hand gets tired from all the writing and cant keep up with my thoughts. That's what I like most about this. I can type pretty quickly so my fingers can almost keep up. Also with a paper diary they look so obviously diary like there is the fear of being found out. Since I am such an inappropriate snoop and would surely read someones diary if I were to stumble upon it I am probably extra concerned about this. Finding someones diary to me would be the ultimate jackpot. I guess that's probably what I was looking for today searching through the blogs. I want to know peoples secrets. To know if I am normal or not I guess. That's also what I like about here. I can be disgustingly honest without worrying about people I know finding out and maybe even get some feedback if people read it. To see if I am just swimming along like everyone else or if I have totally lost it.
I had an abortion once and lied to pretty much everyone about it. They think I had a miscarriage. I think about it a lot especially now being pregnant and even more so because this baby has the same due date and the same dad. He knows the truth. Really he was the one who pushed me into it. He's a lot younger then I am, have I mentioned that before? 7 years difference. He was barely 18 when I got pregnant and was in jail when I found out. It's probably both of our biggest regret. I wish it wasn't legal in this country so it wasn't even an option for people. When someone finds out they are pregnant there shouldn't even be that option of "Should I keep it?" If that option didn't exist I would have a 2 1/2 year old right now and who knows what our life would be like. Really though blaming the law for giving me the choice is my way of trying to relieve some of the blame from myself. He was 8 and scarred of course he didn't want it. I was the older one who should have put my foot down and known better. But that's pretty much how our whole relationship has been with everything which is why it has been all a total mess. You would think I would have learned after the loss of a life but clearly not. I am hopeful though that this is our second chance. A chance to make things right, a chance that maybe I didn't deserve but feel lucky to have, but I am definitely scared if you didn't pick up on that already.
How long can I sit here and avoid actually working? Probably a bit longer but really I shouldn't. Later in the week I will be scrambling to make up for this lost time that right now I am so carelessly pissing away. And if I was going to do personal things I have so many other more constructive things I should be dealing with but instead I am avoiding. I am a procrastinator to the extreme and I hate dealing with adult situations Even though resolving things would make me feel less anxious about life my anxiety about actually handling them in the first place. UGH. I hate being an adult.
And an email just came through from the private attorney we hired. This guy is really on top of things. This just made me very happy. We just formally signed the papers on Friday to hire him and hes already done more then the two public pretenders combined. Sweetness. Maybe there is some hope after all!
Several times in my past I have kept a journal. The main problem I have had is that my hand gets tired from all the writing and cant keep up with my thoughts. That's what I like most about this. I can type pretty quickly so my fingers can almost keep up. Also with a paper diary they look so obviously diary like there is the fear of being found out. Since I am such an inappropriate snoop and would surely read someones diary if I were to stumble upon it I am probably extra concerned about this. Finding someones diary to me would be the ultimate jackpot. I guess that's probably what I was looking for today searching through the blogs. I want to know peoples secrets. To know if I am normal or not I guess. That's also what I like about here. I can be disgustingly honest without worrying about people I know finding out and maybe even get some feedback if people read it. To see if I am just swimming along like everyone else or if I have totally lost it.
I had an abortion once and lied to pretty much everyone about it. They think I had a miscarriage. I think about it a lot especially now being pregnant and even more so because this baby has the same due date and the same dad. He knows the truth. Really he was the one who pushed me into it. He's a lot younger then I am, have I mentioned that before? 7 years difference. He was barely 18 when I got pregnant and was in jail when I found out. It's probably both of our biggest regret. I wish it wasn't legal in this country so it wasn't even an option for people. When someone finds out they are pregnant there shouldn't even be that option of "Should I keep it?" If that option didn't exist I would have a 2 1/2 year old right now and who knows what our life would be like. Really though blaming the law for giving me the choice is my way of trying to relieve some of the blame from myself. He was 8 and scarred of course he didn't want it. I was the older one who should have put my foot down and known better. But that's pretty much how our whole relationship has been with everything which is why it has been all a total mess. You would think I would have learned after the loss of a life but clearly not. I am hopeful though that this is our second chance. A chance to make things right, a chance that maybe I didn't deserve but feel lucky to have, but I am definitely scared if you didn't pick up on that already.
How long can I sit here and avoid actually working? Probably a bit longer but really I shouldn't. Later in the week I will be scrambling to make up for this lost time that right now I am so carelessly pissing away. And if I was going to do personal things I have so many other more constructive things I should be dealing with but instead I am avoiding. I am a procrastinator to the extreme and I hate dealing with adult situations Even though resolving things would make me feel less anxious about life my anxiety about actually handling them in the first place. UGH. I hate being an adult.
And an email just came through from the private attorney we hired. This guy is really on top of things. This just made me very happy. We just formally signed the papers on Friday to hire him and hes already done more then the two public pretenders combined. Sweetness. Maybe there is some hope after all!
I am trying to read other people's blogs and it seems hard to find. The ones I find are from like 3 years ago. I am obviously doing something wrong. I am not a computer dummy but this is all pretty new to me and not as user friendly as I expected...... help. Oh also apparently my computer has been set in the wrong time zone so my post times have been wrong. Maybe I am not as smart as I think I am actually. I should go to bed....
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Kept my promise, I'm back
Well I almost didn't keep my promise to return because I honestly forgot. Each day just blurs into the next and I walk around like a zombie drifting from task to task waiting for something.... BRAAAAINS?! (zombie reference in case you thought I was just calling myself stupid or something)
Today was lame just like all the others. I had a visit at the jail today, lovely as always. Show up 1 1/2 hours before the visit to get in line with the hoards of others. Some of the most ghetto people I have ever seen in my life all together in one small hot room waiting to see our "men". Don't get me wrong I meet some nice people too. Everyone's got a story and while your sitting there waiting people are dying to pass the time. Before you know it there's groups of women and girls in every nook and corner telling each other things they probably don't even tell their best friends because your in a jail visit room so really who's gonna judge you. Former and current drug addicts, baby mamas and working women all together in one room on one level playing field because we all love a man who just cant stay out of trouble. Whether hes your boyfriend, husband, baby daddy, son, cousin, brother or friend you must love the guy to go through this hassle of wasting a perfectly beautiful Sunday packed like sardines into a hot room for just 30 minutes of bliss... aka talking/yelling to each other through a dirty old ass phone through a piece of glass.
Sometimes it's not so bad. On weeks nights not as many people come and sometimes he's even in a good mood. Lord knows my whole day depends on it. We whisper sweet nothings or talk about how great life will be once he's home and were all a family, both knowing this is more of a wish than a fact. Well today was not one of those days. He was cranky from the heat and tense so we mostly just sat there looking away from one another waiting for the visit to be over. Me periodically saying things like "everything's going to be ok" or "just try to keep your mind busy by reading or something." I am such a wordsmith and inspiration in those moments. Couldn't be more cliche if I tried. Nothing could be worse then the time I went and after a few minutes of talking to me he just hung up and wouldn't pick the phone back up. I had to sit there for the remaining 20 minutes shifting between crying jags and glaring at him through the glass. He wouldn't even look at me but everyone else sure was. How embarrassing. Its not even like we were fighting he just didn't feel like talking. Lovely.
If there's anyone out there... do you know what it feels like to be a dog on a leash? I do. My leash is my phone. I stay glues to it waiting for the calls from him. We usually talk at night. He calls anytime between 7pm and 9pm, basically whenever he feels like it. Which for me means that from 7-9 every night I am to be posted in my room waiting for the phone to ring. Cant go anywhere or do anything because GOD FORBID he call me when I am out. Its so awkward. What am I supposed to to just walk away from my friends or family for 30 minutes and just ignore them to talk to him on the phone. Then also there's no privacy if he calls when your in the car with someone. 'like worst case scenario.
It happened a few weeks ago. I was bringing, of all people, his arch nemesis my father home from a cookout and he called. Oh the humanity!! Why me?! I had a split second decision answer or not. Now I never not answer so that would have spiraled into a mess of repeated calls and then a certainty on his end that I was either dead or having sex with someone else. So I answered and there must be a God because he was just calling to say he didn't feel much like talking that night and would call me tomorrow. And would you believe my luck that my father actually slept through the 2 minute convo? Jackpot, bullet dodged. Except this is how I live my life in a perpetual state of waiting and hoping. Some night he just doesn't feel like talking and doesn't call at all. By 9:45 if there been no call I pretty much know it's that, or that he is in trouble and cant or something. Any times outside of that though I am always on stand by. Every once in a while I get the out of the blue call usually with a question or in need of money. My parents have a pool in the back yard which I have yet to go in during this blazing hot summer. Why? Because God forbid the 1 in 60 chance he might call while I am in the pool and I might not get out fast enough to answer. I might just drop dead. And let me be clear this isn't necessarly from him. I impose these expectations on myself because I am terrified he will find out I was doing something like swimming or getting an ice cream with a neighbor and that might make him feel jealous or sad because he couldn't come. And that would R-U-I-N me I'd feel so guilty. So I simply don't risk it. Id rather miss out then risk upsetting my precious gem. What a martyr huh.
I think what it really boils down to is that I don't feel lovable. I constantly lay in wait of the day that he wakes up to realize that he wants nothing to do with me. That I am horrible and disgusting and definitely undeserving of a God like himself so I don't want to do anything to speed that along for any reason. Realistically most women or girls really would not put up with 25% of the shit that I do. All the shit he has put me through. But my God if you could see him, be around him for 10 minutes and see how he can make you feel like you didn't start living till that moment he strolled into your life then maybe you'd understand what I mean. Like if he walks away I will cease to exist. Even though some days I have wished with all my might he would just vanish into thin air. Not be with me anymore but not be with anyone else either. Just *poof* never existed. I want to be clear though I am not wishing him dead. NEVER that. It's confusing even to me.
I saw a quote on Facebook: "One day, whether you are 16, 28, or 67 you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that can not die. However the saddest most awful truth you will come to find... is that they're not always with whom we spend our lives." Just think about that. Damn. Sucks. I thought I had met that person once before him. An older woman. I was wrong though, she sucked. Always totally unavailable but knew just what to say to keep me on the hook. Turned out to be a real skank. Spell check wants me to correct skank to skunk and honestly I could get behind calling her that. From now on that's her name to me. And although she had this persona of being a really strong independent woman it was all a farce, shes really a coward. Not him though, hes my one. He doesn't know how not to be real. Feels everything X100 even when it would be better for him if he could turn it down a little.
Well it's almost 8 now so time for me to wait by the phone willing it to ring!
Today was lame just like all the others. I had a visit at the jail today, lovely as always. Show up 1 1/2 hours before the visit to get in line with the hoards of others. Some of the most ghetto people I have ever seen in my life all together in one small hot room waiting to see our "men". Don't get me wrong I meet some nice people too. Everyone's got a story and while your sitting there waiting people are dying to pass the time. Before you know it there's groups of women and girls in every nook and corner telling each other things they probably don't even tell their best friends because your in a jail visit room so really who's gonna judge you. Former and current drug addicts, baby mamas and working women all together in one room on one level playing field because we all love a man who just cant stay out of trouble. Whether hes your boyfriend, husband, baby daddy, son, cousin, brother or friend you must love the guy to go through this hassle of wasting a perfectly beautiful Sunday packed like sardines into a hot room for just 30 minutes of bliss... aka talking/yelling to each other through a dirty old ass phone through a piece of glass.
Sometimes it's not so bad. On weeks nights not as many people come and sometimes he's even in a good mood. Lord knows my whole day depends on it. We whisper sweet nothings or talk about how great life will be once he's home and were all a family, both knowing this is more of a wish than a fact. Well today was not one of those days. He was cranky from the heat and tense so we mostly just sat there looking away from one another waiting for the visit to be over. Me periodically saying things like "everything's going to be ok" or "just try to keep your mind busy by reading or something." I am such a wordsmith and inspiration in those moments. Couldn't be more cliche if I tried. Nothing could be worse then the time I went and after a few minutes of talking to me he just hung up and wouldn't pick the phone back up. I had to sit there for the remaining 20 minutes shifting between crying jags and glaring at him through the glass. He wouldn't even look at me but everyone else sure was. How embarrassing. Its not even like we were fighting he just didn't feel like talking. Lovely.
If there's anyone out there... do you know what it feels like to be a dog on a leash? I do. My leash is my phone. I stay glues to it waiting for the calls from him. We usually talk at night. He calls anytime between 7pm and 9pm, basically whenever he feels like it. Which for me means that from 7-9 every night I am to be posted in my room waiting for the phone to ring. Cant go anywhere or do anything because GOD FORBID he call me when I am out. Its so awkward. What am I supposed to to just walk away from my friends or family for 30 minutes and just ignore them to talk to him on the phone. Then also there's no privacy if he calls when your in the car with someone. 'like worst case scenario.
It happened a few weeks ago. I was bringing, of all people, his arch nemesis my father home from a cookout and he called. Oh the humanity!! Why me?! I had a split second decision answer or not. Now I never not answer so that would have spiraled into a mess of repeated calls and then a certainty on his end that I was either dead or having sex with someone else. So I answered and there must be a God because he was just calling to say he didn't feel much like talking that night and would call me tomorrow. And would you believe my luck that my father actually slept through the 2 minute convo? Jackpot, bullet dodged. Except this is how I live my life in a perpetual state of waiting and hoping. Some night he just doesn't feel like talking and doesn't call at all. By 9:45 if there been no call I pretty much know it's that, or that he is in trouble and cant or something. Any times outside of that though I am always on stand by. Every once in a while I get the out of the blue call usually with a question or in need of money. My parents have a pool in the back yard which I have yet to go in during this blazing hot summer. Why? Because God forbid the 1 in 60 chance he might call while I am in the pool and I might not get out fast enough to answer. I might just drop dead. And let me be clear this isn't necessarly from him. I impose these expectations on myself because I am terrified he will find out I was doing something like swimming or getting an ice cream with a neighbor and that might make him feel jealous or sad because he couldn't come. And that would R-U-I-N me I'd feel so guilty. So I simply don't risk it. Id rather miss out then risk upsetting my precious gem. What a martyr huh.
I think what it really boils down to is that I don't feel lovable. I constantly lay in wait of the day that he wakes up to realize that he wants nothing to do with me. That I am horrible and disgusting and definitely undeserving of a God like himself so I don't want to do anything to speed that along for any reason. Realistically most women or girls really would not put up with 25% of the shit that I do. All the shit he has put me through. But my God if you could see him, be around him for 10 minutes and see how he can make you feel like you didn't start living till that moment he strolled into your life then maybe you'd understand what I mean. Like if he walks away I will cease to exist. Even though some days I have wished with all my might he would just vanish into thin air. Not be with me anymore but not be with anyone else either. Just *poof* never existed. I want to be clear though I am not wishing him dead. NEVER that. It's confusing even to me.
I saw a quote on Facebook: "One day, whether you are 16, 28, or 67 you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that can not die. However the saddest most awful truth you will come to find... is that they're not always with whom we spend our lives." Just think about that. Damn. Sucks. I thought I had met that person once before him. An older woman. I was wrong though, she sucked. Always totally unavailable but knew just what to say to keep me on the hook. Turned out to be a real skank. Spell check wants me to correct skank to skunk and honestly I could get behind calling her that. From now on that's her name to me. And although she had this persona of being a really strong independent woman it was all a farce, shes really a coward. Not him though, hes my one. He doesn't know how not to be real. Feels everything X100 even when it would be better for him if he could turn it down a little.
Well it's almost 8 now so time for me to wait by the phone willing it to ring!
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Stupid Quiz Thing..... BOOOOORED
Where are you taking this test at?
My bedroom sitting in my bed.
Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Huge, just like all the others.
Who did you last say "I love you" to?
My sweetie when he called me from jail earlier before we hung up.
How do you want to die?
In my sleep and if that's not possible then in a blaze of glory I guess. My life has been so weird that I might as well go out with something interesting like hit by lightning or shark attack.
What did you last eat?
Elbow macaroni with butter, salt and pepper. My little brother is addicted to pasta.
What is the background of your computer screen?
Blue windows generic. Wow that is so incredibly boring. How sad.
Are you gonna get high later?
I'm pregnant..... so no.
Do you hate anyone at the moment?
Yes. They say hate poisons the soul but I hate the people who abused my love. They are deserving of hate for hurting a child in such a way that will effect us forever.
Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl obviously, what am I a child?
How exactly are you feeling?
Like a failure.
Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
What kind of question is this honestly? Who can say no to this?
Ever made out in the bathroom?
Does sex in a shower count?
What are your plans for this weekend?
It is the weekend so I guess this is my plans. Lame.
Do you want to have kids?
Working on it as you read.
Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes once, my mother took me horse back riding for my 14th birthday.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Definitely don't think so, I am usually the "chaser" how sad.
Have you ever been cheated on?
By every person I have ever been with.
What time is it currently?
4:03pm
Would you live with someone without marrying them?
That's my deal I guess. Lived with 2 people and never been married. Marriage is supposed to be forever right? Doesn't it make sense to make sure you can live together first? Welcome to the 21st century.
Do you have trust issues?
You did ask if I had been cheated on right..... so yes....
Do you have any siblings?
Brother, 5 years younger
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Everyone all the time. I never stop crying basically.
Do you give out second chances too easily?
And third and fourth....
Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive. No matter how hard I try I never forget. I wish I could.
What are you currently wearing?
Pink poka dot night gown, its really hot out right now.
Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Only when its my babe. We can get pretty corny when were together and I love it.
Would you change your name?
When I get married.
Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Yeah considering he is behind bars.
Do you like talking to your friends?
What are those?
What do you plan to do with the rest of your day?
Wait for him to call..... Check my panty page and see if I sold anything yet I guess.
Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
All the time I hate people and being in public.
Favorite lyrics right now?
"Band aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show" -Taylor Swift
This was dumb........
My bedroom sitting in my bed.
Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Huge, just like all the others.
Who did you last say "I love you" to?
My sweetie when he called me from jail earlier before we hung up.
How do you want to die?
In my sleep and if that's not possible then in a blaze of glory I guess. My life has been so weird that I might as well go out with something interesting like hit by lightning or shark attack.
What did you last eat?
Elbow macaroni with butter, salt and pepper. My little brother is addicted to pasta.
What is the background of your computer screen?
Blue windows generic. Wow that is so incredibly boring. How sad.
Are you gonna get high later?
I'm pregnant..... so no.
Do you hate anyone at the moment?
Yes. They say hate poisons the soul but I hate the people who abused my love. They are deserving of hate for hurting a child in such a way that will effect us forever.
Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl obviously, what am I a child?
How exactly are you feeling?
Like a failure.
Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
What kind of question is this honestly? Who can say no to this?
Ever made out in the bathroom?
Does sex in a shower count?
What are your plans for this weekend?
It is the weekend so I guess this is my plans. Lame.
Do you want to have kids?
Working on it as you read.
Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes once, my mother took me horse back riding for my 14th birthday.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Definitely don't think so, I am usually the "chaser" how sad.
Have you ever been cheated on?
By every person I have ever been with.
What time is it currently?
4:03pm
Would you live with someone without marrying them?
That's my deal I guess. Lived with 2 people and never been married. Marriage is supposed to be forever right? Doesn't it make sense to make sure you can live together first? Welcome to the 21st century.
Do you have trust issues?
You did ask if I had been cheated on right..... so yes....
Do you have any siblings?
Brother, 5 years younger
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Everyone all the time. I never stop crying basically.
Do you give out second chances too easily?
And third and fourth....
Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive. No matter how hard I try I never forget. I wish I could.
What are you currently wearing?
Pink poka dot night gown, its really hot out right now.
Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Only when its my babe. We can get pretty corny when were together and I love it.
Would you change your name?
When I get married.
Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Yeah considering he is behind bars.
Do you like talking to your friends?
What are those?
What do you plan to do with the rest of your day?
Wait for him to call..... Check my panty page and see if I sold anything yet I guess.
Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
All the time I hate people and being in public.
Favorite lyrics right now?
"Band aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show" -Taylor Swift
This was dumb........
I'm still alive
Hello There World,
I haven't been on here in a while. Like 2 months basically, nothing since my first post. I am so tired about talking about the drama all the time. My whole life seems to revolve around it, around him. All my money, all my time, all my thoughts and all my love.
I spend my days crying and worrying and feeling guilty. Wondering each time I answer the phone if he will be angry or sad or manic or normal. Knowing that my day and mood depends on his because I am so intertwined and caught up in it all that I have no choice. I am in my own prison even though I am actually the one who's "free". Free to work 40+ hours a week, to worry about money and bills all on my own, to plan for a baby myself. I make pretty good money too but in a situation like this no amount of money is ever enough. $5.00 per phone call (1-2x a day), $5000 for a lawyer, $400 a month for Ramen noodles, tuna fish and oatmeal, doctors copays, car payment, $200 cell phone bill, you get the idea. In one hand out the other. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse but this is my reality. I found this website where you can sell your worn panties to creeps all over the world. I even signed up can you believe that? It seems so creepy but it's an easy way to make quick money except nobody bought mine and it's been over a week. I think they expect really slutty pictures first but I have my limits.
I found out last week that the baby's a girl and it scared the shit out of me. As a mother of a girl it's just... I don't know a scary thing. I am not the woman I want my daughter to grow up and be but she'll want to be like me right. Don't all little girls want to grow up to be their mother weather they like it or not? I've got to get my act together for this little girl and it scares the shit out of me because I just don't know if I can do it.
You know I don't really know how to blog and I guess I don't really care if anyone ever reads this. I don't read any blogs at all. I just need a place to vent I guess. Everyone in my life and yours too I am sure has an agenda ya know. Judging or comparing or gossip. I literally do not have one person that I trust entirely to tell everything to and I am not really up for hearing people opinions and bullshit anyway. I am doing the best I can and I don't know anyone in my life who has been through what I am going through so any of their advice is no better then what I can come up with on my own anyway. Id like to use this opportunity to be totally honest. No holds barred and no apologies. I think I deserve that. So if anybody out there stay tuned I guess. Even I haven't the slightest clue whats coming next.
I haven't been on here in a while. Like 2 months basically, nothing since my first post. I am so tired about talking about the drama all the time. My whole life seems to revolve around it, around him. All my money, all my time, all my thoughts and all my love.
I spend my days crying and worrying and feeling guilty. Wondering each time I answer the phone if he will be angry or sad or manic or normal. Knowing that my day and mood depends on his because I am so intertwined and caught up in it all that I have no choice. I am in my own prison even though I am actually the one who's "free". Free to work 40+ hours a week, to worry about money and bills all on my own, to plan for a baby myself. I make pretty good money too but in a situation like this no amount of money is ever enough. $5.00 per phone call (1-2x a day), $5000 for a lawyer, $400 a month for Ramen noodles, tuna fish and oatmeal, doctors copays, car payment, $200 cell phone bill, you get the idea. In one hand out the other. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse but this is my reality. I found this website where you can sell your worn panties to creeps all over the world. I even signed up can you believe that? It seems so creepy but it's an easy way to make quick money except nobody bought mine and it's been over a week. I think they expect really slutty pictures first but I have my limits.
I found out last week that the baby's a girl and it scared the shit out of me. As a mother of a girl it's just... I don't know a scary thing. I am not the woman I want my daughter to grow up and be but she'll want to be like me right. Don't all little girls want to grow up to be their mother weather they like it or not? I've got to get my act together for this little girl and it scares the shit out of me because I just don't know if I can do it.
You know I don't really know how to blog and I guess I don't really care if anyone ever reads this. I don't read any blogs at all. I just need a place to vent I guess. Everyone in my life and yours too I am sure has an agenda ya know. Judging or comparing or gossip. I literally do not have one person that I trust entirely to tell everything to and I am not really up for hearing people opinions and bullshit anyway. I am doing the best I can and I don't know anyone in my life who has been through what I am going through so any of their advice is no better then what I can come up with on my own anyway. Id like to use this opportunity to be totally honest. No holds barred and no apologies. I think I deserve that. So if anybody out there stay tuned I guess. Even I haven't the slightest clue whats coming next.
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